Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I need a place in my life.

I'm not sure why it's taken me so long to realize this, but I have come to the conclusion that I don't have much of a place in my own life. Sure I have a place as a mother to three amazing kids (V, S & Lil T). I have a place as a wife to my hubby (Mr. T). Let me start a little farther back to get some perspective.

V is 9 years old and I had her when I was 21. Not exactly a teen mother, but I was still fairly young and pretty immature. I was half in and out of college when I had her. I hadn't quite figured out what I wanted to do with my life. I wasn't married to her father (and didn't want to be). Looking back, I don't think I really knew myself or my place in the world. I was just going with the flow and having a good time.

Fast forward 3 years. V's father and myself had split for good the prior year, and I was living on my own with V (her dad definately in her life). I met Mr. T. We hit it off immediately. I completely immersed in his life. I was happy though - I wanted a partner in life. I am still happy with Mr. T.

We were married after 4.5 years of dating. Then after 1 year of marriage decided to have a child of our own. S was born - she's amazing just like her big sis, V! Then surprisingly Lil T showed up. My big man.

Throughout all of the changes in our family I worked hard to be the best mother and wife I could at each stage.

I made a little bit of time for myself here and there by way of running or having coffee/drinks with friends. That was it though.

I'm not necessarily unhappy, but I do feel like something is missing from my life. I want more for myself. Don't get me wrong, I adore being a mom and wife (most of the time). I just don't want to shortchange myself by not being there for me. Take my health for instance. My health is okay, but it's not because I've been taking care of myself much.I will go to hell (sorry CVS) and back to make sure that S has the right excema medicine, but I don't even follow simple doctors orders when it comes to myself.

I know that eatiing certain foods or not eating others causes my body all kinds of distress (psychological and physical), but I still eat crap and too much of it. I totally eat to comfort myself when I'm stressed, sad or mad. If fruits and vegetalbes were comforting I would be all good. But my go to fix is usually a Twix, ice cream or something fried. It's an old habit from when I was a kid - food was the only thing I had control of and I abused it. That's not who I want to be though - I don't want to be a closet binger or secret eater. I definately don't want to completely deprive myself from eating food that I enjoy forever though, but I don't want to eat from an emotioal place. That's the first thing that I need to will do for myself - I will be aware of what I am eating and how I feel when I reach for something. Starting now, I will plan my meals each day. I'll eat those planned meals no matter what. If I start to reach for something not on the meal plan for the day, I will stop to tihink why I want that. Is it because I'm upset or am I really hungry. I know that I'll have to take this part one day at a time, but I really believe that being aware of my choices will make a huge difference.

Next, how to tell my husband that I am not happy and whether I even should.

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