Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Rough start

So my goal to spend 30 minutes a day with myself, for myself, hasn't really panned out. I think I've had one day where I remembered. It was okay. Honestly it was a little weird to not be doing something for someone. I think 30 minutes may have been a little ambitious to start.  Tonight I will get more than that because I am going to exercise - but on any other night I think 10 - 15 minutes might be better. Mostly I am just so tired by the time the kids get to bed that thinking of doing anything for 30 minutes is too much. I think that eventually spending more time with myself will be easier. Eating healthy and exercising should definately give me more energy and more energy means more time. :) I did great yesterday and today (so far) with both.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Taking the first step . . . me time

I realize that learning more about who I am and what I really want on my life is not going to just happen all of the sudden. Wouldn't it be nice though - if all of the sudden I'm walking along the street and suddenly something clicks in my head and I am aware of my purpose in this life. I know what will make me happy and what steps I need to take to get there. That's too easy.

I've been thinking about this for a couple days, and I have realized that what I'm trying to figure out is going to take some time. Time is one of those commodities that I have little of, for myself at least. I always seem to have time for my kids and Mr. T - but what about me. I don't count running errands and driving to and from work as 'me' time since I'm doing that because I have to. No, what I mean is real time that I can do whatever I want with.

So I've decided that no matter what, I will set aside 30 minutes a day just for me. I won't use the time to talk to Mr. T, clean up after the kids, cook, grocery shop, etc. I will just do something for me, with me.

I definitely have taken some time here and there for myself. Maybe once or twice this year I took an hour or two for myself. Never have I dedicated this much time to myself. I'm a little nervous, I mean what am I going to do with myself everyday.

I think I will start out simple. I have a stack of magazines that I've been wanting to read. Not exactly Moby Dick, but it's just for me. I'm not sure where this will take me, but it's a start.

I really feel aware of the fact that at some point my kids will be leaving the house and going out on their own (even though that's at least 17 years away for the youngest), and I really don't want to regret this time. I don't want to look back and say "I neglected myself, I put everyone first all the time". I want to be happy with all of my life, all of my choices. Taking care of my family is important, but so am I.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Should I tell my hubby that I'm not happy

My hubby - Mr. T - asked me what was bothering me yestrday and I just told him that I couldn't really talk text about it at that moment, but that I wasn't really happy with some things. I love Mr. T but lately I have been feeling unhappy with him. He started a new job after being unemployed for a year, and he does nothing but complain. Every day I receive atleast 3 texts form him telling me how bad the job is, how it's just what he thought it would be, blah, blah. I know it's bad, but at some point I would just like him to suck-it-up and take one for the team. I hate my job, but I try not to bore him with every single thing that's bothering me throughout the day (our cell phone bill would be sky high).

Also, he's gained quite a bit of weight over the past year. I know he's depressed from not working, but he doesn't seem to really care that much about making a change. I definately have some weight to lose also, but I try to make changes. I'm frustrated that he doesn't do the same.

I can't complain though about everything, he does help out around the house a bit, and is very hands on with the lil ones.However, even though he was home for a year, I think he only cleaned our bathroom once. I probably should've asked, but honestly if you're home all day it would be nice if you did alittle bit extra.

I think all of that above has been on my mind, and I just don't feel like I can talk to him about it. For one reason, I don't want to put that pressure on him. I don't want him to feel worse about himself. Also, I feel like there are plenty of things that I could do more of or less of when it comes to our home and relationship, so why should I compain?!

I really believe though that I may be going through some type of 30's life crisis - if that's possible. I became a mom when I was 21 and I feel like I missed out some of my life. I also didn't have much of a childhood, so I just feel like I jipped myself a bit. There are so many things that I want to do (finish college, spend more time making friends & hanging out with them) but my life just doesn't have room for that now.

I'm scared to tell him all that. Why am I scared to tell him? I think that I need to tell him some of it, but I don't feel safe telling him it all - atleast not right now.

Maybe once we tackle the household issues I have, which are easier to talk about, then maybe we can tackle the complaining, and then later the weight issue.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I need a place in my life.

I'm not sure why it's taken me so long to realize this, but I have come to the conclusion that I don't have much of a place in my own life. Sure I have a place as a mother to three amazing kids (V, S & Lil T). I have a place as a wife to my hubby (Mr. T). Let me start a little farther back to get some perspective.

V is 9 years old and I had her when I was 21. Not exactly a teen mother, but I was still fairly young and pretty immature. I was half in and out of college when I had her. I hadn't quite figured out what I wanted to do with my life. I wasn't married to her father (and didn't want to be). Looking back, I don't think I really knew myself or my place in the world. I was just going with the flow and having a good time.

Fast forward 3 years. V's father and myself had split for good the prior year, and I was living on my own with V (her dad definately in her life). I met Mr. T. We hit it off immediately. I completely immersed in his life. I was happy though - I wanted a partner in life. I am still happy with Mr. T.

We were married after 4.5 years of dating. Then after 1 year of marriage decided to have a child of our own. S was born - she's amazing just like her big sis, V! Then surprisingly Lil T showed up. My big man.

Throughout all of the changes in our family I worked hard to be the best mother and wife I could at each stage.

I made a little bit of time for myself here and there by way of running or having coffee/drinks with friends. That was it though.

I'm not necessarily unhappy, but I do feel like something is missing from my life. I want more for myself. Don't get me wrong, I adore being a mom and wife (most of the time). I just don't want to shortchange myself by not being there for me. Take my health for instance. My health is okay, but it's not because I've been taking care of myself much.I will go to hell (sorry CVS) and back to make sure that S has the right excema medicine, but I don't even follow simple doctors orders when it comes to myself.

I know that eatiing certain foods or not eating others causes my body all kinds of distress (psychological and physical), but I still eat crap and too much of it. I totally eat to comfort myself when I'm stressed, sad or mad. If fruits and vegetalbes were comforting I would be all good. But my go to fix is usually a Twix, ice cream or something fried. It's an old habit from when I was a kid - food was the only thing I had control of and I abused it. That's not who I want to be though - I don't want to be a closet binger or secret eater. I definately don't want to completely deprive myself from eating food that I enjoy forever though, but I don't want to eat from an emotioal place. That's the first thing that I need to will do for myself - I will be aware of what I am eating and how I feel when I reach for something. Starting now, I will plan my meals each day. I'll eat those planned meals no matter what. If I start to reach for something not on the meal plan for the day, I will stop to tihink why I want that. Is it because I'm upset or am I really hungry. I know that I'll have to take this part one day at a time, but I really believe that being aware of my choices will make a huge difference.

Next, how to tell my husband that I am not happy and whether I even should.